Description
Simon was a 19 year old male standing about six feet and weighing about 160 lbs. He was good looking and of European/Asian heritage. He was very well dressed in black and white waiter clothes. He appeared well-groomed and relaxed.
Background of Counselee
The counselee comes from a middle class family and grew up with a mother, father and older brother in the home. He attended church with his family through high school. During his senior year, he lost his focus on grades, but still managed to get into UC Santa Barbara. College was a disaster for him. He cut classes and spent his time partying and playing on the beach. He was kicked out of his dormitory and moved back home last spring. He works at a local restaurant making minimum wage, but getting good tips on occasion. He lived at his parent's house until last month. For the last several days, he has been living out of his car and in a local park.
Nature of the Problem
Simon's mother asked me to talk with Simon after he moved out of the house. She tells me that there was a big argument with his father and the next morning he packed as much as he could get into his car trunk and left. I have known Simon and his family for a while. When I contacted him, he agreed to talk with me.
Setting
This counseling took place at the restaurant where Simon works. It was a slow time and we had enough privacy to talk freely. I bought coffee for Simon and me. We sipped coffee a bit, I asked him about the restaurant and his job, then we moved on to the counseling session.
Verbatim
Counselor 1: Don't worry about it. I'll pick up the check. [I gave the waitress my charge card.]
Simon 1: Thanks. I got the tip. [He winked the waitress (his friend) and they laughed.]
Counselor 2: You know that your mom's worried about you.
Simon 2: Yeah, I know. Tell her I'm OK.
Counselor 3: Why don't you give her a call?
Simon 3: I've called her a few times and talked, but mostly the conversation turns to me moving back. And I don't want to do that yet. So I haven't called since last week.
Counselor 4: So, Simon, you know why we're here talking. Is there anything that I can do to help you get along better with your mom and dad?
Simon 4: I just had to leave the house. Mom was OK. We greeted each other with nice words. Dad and me didn't talk much but when we did the words were usually angry. He was always on my case, passing judgment on me. He didn't want me to stay out at night; he didn't want me to play my music loud; he didn't like my friends; He didn't want me to be who I am.
Counselor 5: And who are you?
Simon 5: I'm not my dad. And I'm not like my older brother. I like my friends. Dad just doesn't understand them. I like hip-hop music.
Counselor 6: I understand that you and your dad had a fight.
Simon 6: Yeah. I came home late with Deven. We made some noise and laughed, but I didn't think I was that loud. Dad came downstairs in his underwear and starting yelling at me. He didn't like Deven. He didn't like me staying out late. He didn't like my music. I yelled back a little. I was embarrassed for Deven. The next day when mom and dad were out working I packed up and left. I stayed a week with Deven, but that wasn't cool. So I've been spending time in the park.
Counselor 7: Do you want to move back in with your parents?
Simon 7: [Making a face] No. … I don't think so. At least the way things are now. But I want to stay in the area. I have my friends here, Devan, Victor and Danny. I have a job at this restaurant. I don't have enough money right now to rent a room around here. I don't have a lot of choices about where to stay.
Counselor 8: Have you looked around for your own place?
Simon 8: Sure. Just a single room is $400 per month. I might be able to handle that. But most places want first month / last month and a deposit.
Counselor 9: How is it living with friends sometimes, in your car sometimes, and in the park sometimes?
Simon 9: It's not that bad. I don't like imposing on my friends so I rotate between 3 or 4 of them. Then I sleep in the back seat of the car for a day or two. When it's not raining, I sleep under the stars. I'm saving up money slowly. When I get about $1000 dollars, I think that I can find a place.
Counselor 10: Are you willing to let your parents help you out-- rent-wise I mean? That might get you into a place faster. [NOTE: His mother did say in our phone conversation that she would help pay rent someplace for him]
Simon 10: That would be OK. Especially if they pay the deposit. I think that I can manage the monthly rent. Do you think that you could talk with them for me?
Counselor 11: I could certainly talk with them for you. But, Simon, I think that it would be better if you talked with them personally.
Simon 11: [Getting angry] I don't want to do that.
Counselor 12: Simon, your dad feels bad about what happened. I've know him for a long time. He's a good person and so is your mom. They're reasonable people. You can talk with them.
Simon 12: [Getting calm again] I guess your right.
Counselor 13: You know, in most disputes like the one between you and your father, the responsibility for the problem really is with both people. I think that maybe your dad was out of line a little in yelling at you. You know he told me that himself. But how about you? If you could change anything about that night you had the fight, what would you do different?
Simon 13: OK. [smiling] I still say mostly it was his fault, but I admit I was a little loud for one in the morning. I just didn't realize what time it was.
Counselor 14: You know, I think that you might want to share that admission with your parents.
Simon 14: I might do that.
Counselor 15: It was always so neat to see you in church with Zachary [his older brother] and your mom and dad. How do you feel about going to church now?
Simon 15: I do go to church sometimes. Maybe not so often. I spend a lot of time writing music and, believe it or not, this is where I can express my faith. A lot of my music is about Jesus and about the way I was raised. I don't knock my mom and dad. It's just like they want to control me so much and I want to be on my own.
Counselor 16: You know that your parents are anxious about you. Can I tell them that you are
OK?
Simon 16: Sure.
Counselor 17: Can I tell them that you'll be giving them a call soon?
Simon 17: Alright. [Somewhat exasperated]
Counselor 18: I don't want to push you, Simon. It has to be your decision to contact your parents. Whatever you work out has to be between the three of you.
Simon 18: I understand. I think that I can give them a call.
Counselor 19: Now, I got a quarter here if you're hard up for phone money.
Simon 19: [Laughing] No, I got it covered.
Counselor 20: Simon, is it OK if we pray before I go.
Simon 20: Sure, I don't mind.
[I prayed that God give Simon wisdom on how to relate to his parents. He didn't speak, but he seemed receptive. The session ended]
Evaluation of the Session
It was good to talk with Simon. He's a fine young man. I may have talked too much. I often feel uncomfortable with lapses in conversation and have to fill the silence with words. I was a little concerned about pushing him to contact his parents, but I think that the nudge I gave him was appropriate. He liked the little joke about handing him a quarter for the call. I think that the setting was OK for the conversion, but I may have sensed some discomfort about praying in the restaurant. It was only a 20 second prayer.
Prognosis for Simon's Problem
I think that this is one of those "developmental crises" that happen in the normal course of human development. (See page 64 of text.) It's tough in our day and age for a 19-year old man to live in the same house as his parents, especially if the young man is gregarious and highly values his independence. I think that the prognosis is good for both son and parents. I could detect the strong bond of family as I talked with Simon. I detected concern for the feelings of his mom and dad.
[NOTE: I talked with Simon's dad last Sunday in church. He told me that Simon is living with them for the time being, but that he is helping Simon find a place to stay in Marin County. I wished him luck in that endeavor.]
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