Description
Captain Mike Pak is about 45-years old. He is the pastor of a Korean Baptist Church in San Francisco. He wore his usual black rimmed glasses and Baptist suit. He is a Korean of medium height and weight. He is a joking-kind of person who always seems to grin. Mike is a hard worker and the hands-on leader of the church. He speaks with a heavy Korean accent, but that is not a barrier to our communication.
Background of Counselee
The counselee was born in Korea and emigrated to Canada in his twenties. He worked for several years fixing car bodies in Vancouver B.C. He heard the call of the Lord and both he and his wife, Jane, became co-ministers in the Baptist. The two Paks took positions as pastors in San Francisco a few years ago. Their church now has about 30 Korean-speaking members and he is very busy taking care of their needs. Mike and Jane have two teen age sons. Simon is 19 [he was subject of Verbatim 1] and James is 17. I attend their church along with my Korean wife. I know Mike and Jane fairly well.
Nature of the Problem
Mike’s problem is his two teen-age sons. They seem caught between cultures. The parents, born and raised in Korea, are set in their values and customs. They expect their children to obey and follow in their steps. The two sons used to be regular attendees of the church. Recently they have been conspicuous by their absence. Church members ask about the sons and Mike is embarrassed to answer. I have heard some gossip, “how can he lead the church when he cannot lead his own sons”. I know this bothers him.
Setting
Mike asked me to talk with him after morning church. We met together after the church building was mostly empty. He said he only had a few minutes and wanted to talk with me about his son. He closed the door to his office and we sat in comfortable chairs knee-to-knee. During the conversation he looked at his watch several times. Two people knocked on his door, but he asked them to return later. I know that this setting wasn’t ideal, but I could see that Mike was troubled.
Verbatim
Counselor 1: Mike , How’s it going?
Mike 1: Well, [deep breath] I’m keeping busy.
Counselor 2: I can see that. [smiling]
Mike 2: Thank you so much for talking with Simon. Things are going better with him now. He’s back home living with us. He goes to another church now, but that’s OK. At least he’s going.
Counselor 3: Glad to hear that, Mike. How about James?
Mike 3: [pause] Not so good.
Counselor 4: What do you mean?
Mike 4: He’s only seventeen. I don’t understand it. [his mouth quivers and he fights back tears]
Counselor 5: [pause] It’s OK Mike.
Mike 5: Well, I don’t see much of James these days. He shows up every couple of days, but he doesn’t talk to me. He just talks with his mother. He told her that he is staying with friends. He’ll be graduating from high school in a month and I’m not sure that I’ll be seeing him graduate. [begins to tear up some more]
Counselor 6: Boy, life is surprising. I thought that when your relationship with Simon was patched up that everything would be OK with James as well.
Mike 6: [a little ironic chuckle] That’s what I thought too!
Counselor 7: So how did things go wrong with James?
Mike 7: Maybe Jane and I have be traveling too much. We have been gone a lot doing the Lord’s work. We both went to Africa for two weeks in March. Now we just got back from two weeks in China. I have to go when God calls. When we got back from China, Simon was home but James was gone.
Counselor 8: How long have you been leaving your boys alone at home when you go on trips?
Mike 8: We’ve been going on missions and to meeting and to conventions since we came to San Francisco. The Lord keeps us busy.
Counselor 9: Who looks after Simon and James when you’re gone?
Mike 9: They old now you know. We used to get a babysitter until Simon got to be sixteen, then we let them on their own. I think that they are mature enough.
Counselor 10: Did you ask them how they felt about being left alone for weeks at a time?
Mike 10: [thinking] Maybe not in so many words. They said that it was OK leaving them alone. They never got into trouble. They are good kids.
Counselor 11: I know that they are good kids, Mike. And good kids need their parents, don’t you think?
Mike 11: They have us. They know that we love them.
Counselor 12: I have no doubt that you love them, Mike. You said that you left them alone when Simon was 16, that means that James was only 14. Right?
Mike 12: That’s right.
Counselor 13: How do think James felt when he was 14 and you and Jane weren’t around?
Mike 13: I think that he was OK. Simon was there with him. He never said anything.
Counselor 14: Do you think that maybe he is saying something now?
Mike 14: [pause] Maybe.
Counselor 15: Mike , there’s nothing that you can do about the past. What are you doing to make your relationship better with James right now? Do you have a plan?
Mike 15: I don’t know what I can do. That’s why I wanted to talk with you. The last time I spoke to James, I had to tiptoe. If I mentioned anything about him not being at home, he thought I was criticizing him. That’s not the way it was when I was with my parents. I respected my mom and dad. I did what they told me to do.
Counselor 16: It’s a different time and a different country.
Mike 16: I know that in my head, but whenever I’m with my kid, I just seem to chase them away! It’s crazy. The closer I try to get to them, the faster they run away. [almost pleading]. What can I do?
Counselor 17: Sometimes people just need space. My own sons are a few years older than yours. They needed to separate from us before they felt comfortable with us again. These years can be difficult. Sometimes it’s best just to let them go and pray that they come back to you.
Mike 17: That’s hard
Counselor 18: That’s very hard.
Mike 18: Can we pray?
Counselor 19: Of course, Mike.
[We prayed that God give Mike guidance on how to relate to his sons. The session ended]
Evaluation of the Session
This was not a planned counseling session, if it was a counseling session at all. Mike just respects me and wanted someone to talk to with. Mike likes the way that my two sons relate to me and was receptive to what I had to say. I did the best I could. We only talked about 15 minutes and were interrupted a few times. I had a hard time not talking and giving (sage?) advice. I think that the best thing I did was to testify that I suffered a similar situation with my own sons and that we all survived and became close again.
Prognosis for Mike’s Problem
I’m not sure of the prognosis. I’ve had a chance to observe the parent / child dynamic in many Korean families. In many situations I have seen an odd combination of intense love mixed with an inability to get along for more than an hour at a time. In my own humble opinion, traditional Korean parents never fully respect their child’s independence and always feel this need to control events. I think that Mike must give his sons some space to live on their own and then re-enter in a non-controlling way. Whether he is up to this, I don’t know.
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