Zachary says "goodbye"

Friday, April 30, 2004

Here is the text I read to the students at tonights reading:

I am sorry that I have to read this, but otherwise I might start crying (I may anyway). Also, I apologize to those of you whom I have not talked to personally about this. It was my intention to talk to each of you about this before the general announcement.

First, I would like to say that this has been by far the best year at St. Albert’s since I have entered. I think we are healthier and happier than we have been in the last four years. So, what I am about to say does not reflect any personal unhappiness or discontent with the community here.

Very often, the right decision is the most difficult one. But God’s will be done. Over the past year I have discerned that the Dominican Order is not where God is calling me now. Thus, I am not petitioning to renew my vows when they expire on September 1st. It is no secret that I have had difficulties participating in the life of the community and when I tried to discover the reasons, I came to the conclusion that my vocation is not as a professed Dominican friar.

It takes me a long time to get to know people and even longer to trust them and know them enough to be my friend. On the other side, it is very difficult for me to lose a friend. I hate it. As you know, ending relationships and starting new ones is the norm in this life and especially in the studentate. We have 18 new students this year and most of my class is studying outside of the house. Next year, I would go on residency and have to form completely new relationships only to have to sever them the next year when I would return to St. Alberts, but a completely different one.

I decided that I can’t live like that. I thought I could because that was how I grew up, being the son of an Army officer. I thought I could because I had my classmates around me for the first three years I was a Dominican. But this year, I found myself having little motivation and energy to actively make new friends, friends I wouldn’t see for a year or more when I went on residency. Another sign of trouble was the fact that my best friend in the house is not a Dominican at all. I addition, I found myself spending my discretionary time not with Dominicans but with lay students and other non-Dominicans.

Some of you, I have known for nearly four years. But length of time is a poor expression of how much you will be missed. We shared everything together: meals, prayer, difficulties, joys, classes, travel and our thoughts. I am a very different person now than when I entered, and I have you to thank for that. I treasure the time we have spent together and I hope that my relationship with all of you will not end, but only change. Even though I will no longer be able to call you “Brothers”, I hope I will always be able to call you friends.

As for the specifics, I will be living at St. Albert’s until after the ordinations. I will be traveling most of the summer, but I will definitely be at profession in the fall. I will be completing my degrees at the DSPT next year. I know that I am called to a life of service with the institutional Church. As part of the dicernment, I am in dialogue with the vocations director of the Diocese of Oakland and San Francisco. You will ever be in my thoughts and my prayers. Please keep me in yours. I would be happy to talk further about my reasons and plans at anytime.

Is Saint Dominic waving good-bye?